If Rumors Were True
by Two-Idiots
Summary: This story targets people who start stupid rumors, and the people who write about them. Serious bashing of Harry, Quidditch, and practically everything else. But it’s done in a funny way. NO FLAMES!(We have read all of the books.) COMPLETE
1. Harry’s New and Rumored Look

If Rumors Were True by Two-Idiots  
  
Disclaimer: We own nothing, but the plot assuming there is one.  
  
Summary: This story targets people who start stupid rumors, and the people who write about them. Serious bashing of Harry, Quidditch, and practically everything else. But it's done in a funny way.  
  
Ch. 1 - Harry's New and Rumored Look  
  
Our story begins with Harry Potter waking up in a small bed. Small, because he has miraculously grown to 7ft tall in a matter of two months. As he gets up, the bed begins to creak. It's creaking due to all the muscles he has developed in these two months. He has Quidditch to thank for that. Yes, Quidditch. The game that allows you to build muscles while having your ass planted on a broomstick. That snitch must really weigh a ton, to build up those arm muscles. Harry got a serious workout from flying around on a broomstick all day. Oh wait, he's at the Dursley's, so he doesn't fly around all day. But he still somehow managed to develop those muscles.  
  
Harry no longer needs glasses. We don't really know why. Everyone just seems to think he magically somehow gets contacts. He gets up and sees his thin cousin Dudley in the doorway. Wait, his fat cousin Dudley, or is it thin? No, fat. Definitely fat, or thin. Yeah, that's it, thin. His thin cousin Dudley. Harry's fat cousin Dudley, who has now also learned that he too is a wizard, apparated his thin body downstairs for breakfast.  
  
Harry goes downstairs to the kitchen. His aunt and uncle, who were killed by Voldy, are sitting at the table. Petunia is feeding her fat son breakfast, and Vernon is reading the "Daily Prophet". Just then, Hedwig flies into the kitchen and Vernon takes a gun out and shoots it. Hedwig, now missing her head, delivers Harry his letter.  
  
"Oh, Harry's got mail!" Dudley shouted snatching the letter with his thin, bony hand.  
  
"Get your fat hands off of my mail!" Harry yelled taking it back and going upstairs to read it in peace.  
  
It was a letter from Hagrid, no Ron, no Hermione. Wait. It was really from Draco, who is really Harry's best friend. Wrong again. It was only his supply list. While skimming the list, Harry notices that dress robes are required.  
  
"Maybe I'll ask out Cho again. No, Hermione. I'm definitely going to ask Hermione. Or Ginny. Maybe Draco would like to go. Or, Snape. That's it. I'm gonna ask Voldemort, who happens to be my father and/or, grandfather and/or, uncle. Nah, I'll just stick with Cho." Harry finally decides.  
  
Hedwig flies upstairs and Harry gives her an owl treat. Somehow her head managed to grow back in the short span of 5 minutes. Suddenly the Weasleys show up by floo powder. Actually, they drove their car. The car that was completely destroyed in their second year. Ron walks in with Scabbers on his shoulder.  
  
"Hey, mate. We want you to come stay with us at the Burrow for a while. We're rich now you know. Dad robbed the bank. Took all of the Malfoy's money." Ron said greeting Harry.  
  
~AN/ End Chapter 1. The next chapter will be about Harry's vacation at the Burrow. More confusing fun to come. 


	2. At the Burrow

Disclaimer: Owners of nothing.  
  
Chapter 2: At The Burrow  
  
After a long, exhausting flight on his Firebolt, Harry tumbles out of the fireplace after using Floo Powder. Harry looks up to see his other best friend, Hermione. Hermione had changed just as much as Harry. She was still rather short, but now had long straight brown hair. And thanks to Malfoy, she now had normal sized teeth. Some could suppose Malfoy meant to enlarge her teeth, so she could shrink them to normal size, because he's in love with her. And the fact that his curse could have bounced off of Harry's in any direction, and hit anyone, means nothing at all. In fact, Mudblood is probably just an endearing nickname he made up for her. And that time she slapped him; it was really just a love tap. Yeah, sure. On the other hand, it could be because they -hate- each other. Anyway, Harry was just about to ask her to the school dance, when Ginny walked up and he realized he was still undecided. On the one hand, Ron probably liked Hermione, and would probably beat up Harry. On the other hand, Ginny was Ron's sister, which could piss him off, leading to Harry getting beaten up again. Summoning all of his Gryffindor courage, he decided he'd ask Cho, just to be safe.  
  
Concealed in the shadows of the corner was Percy. He was looking awfully suspicious with that Dark Mark on his arm, which his black tank top revealed. But no one thought anything of it. They figured; Hey, if a guy wants a tattoo, that's his business. It's just a coincidence that it's a tattoo of Voldy's calling card.  
  
Alongside Percy in the shadows, was Scabbers. Percy had Scabbers on his buff shoulder, scatching him behind the ears. Scabbers appears to be whispering something in his ear.  
  
"Wormtail, you fool!" he suddenly stands up and shouts.  
  
Hey, Percy. How are you doing? Who's Wormtail?" Harry asked petting Scabbers on the head. Scabbers then took the liberty of biting Harry on the finger.  
  
"Ouch! What's the matter with you Scabbers? It's me, Harry." Harry whined, tearing up at the sight of his injury.  
  
"Harry, how nice to see you -alive." Percy said cackling evilly. And maybe it was just Harry's imagination, but Scabbers appeared to be cackling as well. Percy and Scabbers returned to their darkened corner, and Harry went to join Ron and Hermione, who had been in Ron's room for an awfully long time. Ginny managed to corner him on the staircase.  
  
"Harry, how has your summer been? You've certainly grown." Ginny said while squeezing one of his biceps.  
  
"I only know of at least 20 other guys who have such manly biceps." Ginny said in the most seductive tone a 14 year old could manage, which wasn't much. But it seemed to work on Harry. He began to stutter and blush.  
  
"Well, are you going to just stand there Harry, or are you going to give me a hug?" Ginny asked holding out her arms.  
  
Suddenly, Percy walks by and shoves Harry hard, which knocked Harry down the stairs, who took Ginny with him. Thinking fast, Harry used his Quidditch skills to switch places with Ginny, who landed on her neck, dying instantly.  
  
"Wow. That was a close one, right Percy? You should be more careful. Percy? Now where did that guy go?" Harry wondered while Mrs. Weasley was crying hysterically over Ginny, and trying to choke Harry.  
  
~AN/ End Ch. 2. Next chapter, Journey to Hogwarts. More fun to come. Fun for us at least. 


	3. Journey to Hogwarts

Disclaimer: We own nothing but a love for Draco and Lucius.  
  
Ch. 3 Journey to Hogwarts  
  
Today was the day they would make their journey to Hogwarts. Harry was so excited.  
  
"I can't wait to see Cho. Maybe seeing her will help me decide whether or not I want to date her or Hermione. At least I don't have to decide about Ginny. Unfortunate, that was. Oh well. Better get ready to leave."  
  
Percy was the new DADA professor, so he would be joining them on the train.  
  
AT THE STATION  
  
To everyone's surprise, Harry's thin cousin Dudley was there.  
  
"I forgot to tell you guys, Dudley just learned he was a wizard too." Harry said.  
  
"Well, well. If it isn't Potter. And who's that? Another Mudblood?" Malfoy asked pointing to Dudley.  
  
"Granger, maybe you can date the fat Mudblood. He looks desperate enough to date even you." Malfoy snickered beckoning to Crabbe and Goyle to follow him into the train.  
  
Percy smirked and followed Draco, with Wormtail-I mean Scabbers, on his shoulder.  
  
"I'll bet Percy went to teach Malfoy a lesson." Hermione said. As she turned her back to the train, Percy leaned out of the window and gave her the finger. Harry, Ron, and Hermione went to their compartment and had a really boring conversation.  
  
Meanwhile, Percy was conversing with Draco. Percy was telling Draco of his next plan to get rid of Harry. Neville, overhearing Percy's plan, stood frozen in shock as Percy stepped out of the compartment. Percy, noticing Neville, stole his cookie right out of his hand and gave him a wedgie. After rearranging himself, Neville snuck off after Percy to try and save Harry.  
  
Percy found Harry standing in the hallway, in front of an open window. Out of no where, Neville came running up as fast as anyone can possibly run with a wedgie and dived at Percy. At the same moment, Percy, sensing him, moves to the side, and Harry bends down to tie his shoe. Neville, with nothing blocking his path, flies right out the open window. It wasn't a pretty sight.  
  
"Was that Neville? I thought I saw him jump out the window. I didn't know Neville could fly! It's a shame he's dead now, we could have used him on the Quidditch team. He would have been able to muscle up in no time." Harry said walking back to his compartment.  
  
Percy smirked. The only person who could stop him was now dead. And soon, Harry Potter would be too.  
  
"Hey Percy! Wanna come play some exploding snap with us?" Ron called from their compartment.  
  
~AN? End Ch. 3. Yeah, it was really short. But our only purpose was to kill off Neville. We have a plot now. Evil Percy will kill off a person each chapter. Look for chapter 4 to see who's next to go. 


	4. Sorting and the Drinking of Poison

Disclaimer: Own nothing.  
  
Chapter 4: Sorting and the Eating of Poison  
  
~At Hogwarts~  
  
After a long train ride, Harry and the gang make their way to the Great Hall. Despite the fact that Harry's thin cousin Dudley was also 15, he still needed to be sorted. He'd also have to start out as a first year. After getting in a fight with a first year, and getting beaten up, Dudley was finally ready to be sorted.  
  
~Meanwhile; With Percy walking briskly past the Gryffindor table~  
  
Percy slipped a little something into Harry's pumpkin juice.  
  
~Back to the Sorting~  
  
Dudley was just about to put on the sorting hat, when he got an idea. He held it up just above his head and threw his voice to sound like the hat was saying Gryffindor.  
  
"He's cheating! He knows he belongs in Hufflepuff!" shouted the first year who had already beaten him up once.  
  
"Shut up you little-" Dudley started.  
  
"Do you want another beating fat boy!?" the first year yelled while cracking his knuckles and walking towards Dudley in a most menacing attitude.  
  
Dudley threw the sorting hat in the boy's face and ran to the Gryffindor table and sat down by Harry.  
  
~At the Gryffindor Table~  
  
"That was a close one. Now I'm thirsty. Give me that." He said reaching for Harry's pumpkin juice and swallowing it in one gulp.  
  
~On the floor behind the Gryffindor Table~  
  
Suddenly he gagged, turned blue, and fell to the ground clutching his stomach in pain, then died.  
  
And no one notices that Harry's thin/fat/thin cousin Dudley was dead. All Harry could notice was that his goblet was missing.  
  
"Dudley you fat idiot! Give me that!" Harry said while prying it from Dudley's cold, thin, and dead fingers.  
  
"Oh great. It's empty now." Harry grumbled while tossing it over his shoulder. Harry's bulging Quidditch muscles kicked in causing it to sail all the way up to the teacher's table and hit Percy right on the forehead.  
  
~At the Teacher's Table~  
  
Percy is completely unfazed, even as a small drop of blood trickles from his forehead and drops off his nose. Percy then grabs his steak knife and shoots it at the back of Harry's head, just as Colin Creevey's younger brother, Dennis leaned forward, falls out of his seat, and lands on Dudley's fat body.  
  
~On Ron's Plate~  
  
Ron glances at the small pile forming, shrugs his shoulders, and begins to devour Dennis' food.  
  
~At the Teacher's Table Again~  
  
Dumbledore begins to make the announcements and welcomes all of the new students to Hogwarts. Dumbledore warns that Hagrid has gotten a new creature that students must avoid because it is so dangerous and violet, also really ugly. The creature was called Rupert Grint. Percy smiled evilly up hearing this and began to once again try and plot out a way to kill Harry Potter. Dumbledore made a few more announcements, then he awarded Gryffindor 100 points for no apparent reason, as usual.  
  
~AN/ end chapter 4. We'll try and add in more Draco soon; it's not the same without him. He's just so adorable. Anyway, two deaths in one chapter. Of course, they were expendable. Please read and review. NO FLAMES!!! Thanks. 


	5. First Day of Class

Disclaimer: Own nothing as usual.  
  
Ch. 5: First Day of Class  
  
As usual the schedules were being passed around during breakfast. Harry was shocked to see that Gryffindor's and Slytherin's now had all classes together.  
  
"Who would do such a terrible thing?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Me." Percy said showing up behind her from out of no where.  
  
"Oh, I get it. You want me to show off and get all the house points, right Percy?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Brilliant Percy!" Harry said clapping him on the back.  
  
Percy aimed a punch at Harry's head, just as Harry sat down and Ron stood up.  
  
"Ouch! What was that for? You could have killed me!" Ron yelled.  
  
"If only. Your face is so ugly anyway, one punch could only improve upon it if anything." Draco sneered beside Percy.  
  
"You're so dumb Malfoy!" Ron snarled.  
  
"Yeah, dumb. Dumb like your face!" Malfoy yelled.  
  
"Percy, I think you should start taking some house points from Slytherin!" Hermione yelled.  
  
"Yeah." Harry said rather pathetically.  
  
Percy gave the 'Golden Trio' one final glare and stalked off muttering something about Care of Magical Creatures.  
  
"I get it! By Percy not taking any points away, it's gonna make us look more impressive." Harry said cheerfully.  
  
"You are so stupid! He's trying to kill you!!!" Draco yelled shaking Harry violently back and forth.  
  
"Just because you're jealous, Malfoy, don't take your anger out on Harry!" Hermione yelled.  
  
Draco shoved Harry into Ron, who fell into Hermione, knocking them all on the floor on top of Dudley and Dennis.  
  
"That was mean!" Hermione yelled.  
  
"Stupid bunch of bitches." Draco muttered glaring at them, then stalking out of the Great Hall.  
  
~At Care of Magical Creatures~  
  
"Alright now. You kids stay away from that there shaky box." Hagrid said while pointing to a crate that was shaking violently.  
  
"There's a Grint in that box. A Rupert Grint to be exact. Ugliest creature you'd ever want to see. He's deadly and - Percy! What are you doing? Get away from that crate!" Hagrid yelled rushing towards him.  
  
"Oh. Don't mind me. I'm just gonna stand back here and watch your lesson. It's my free period, and I don't have anything else to do." He said while hastily shoving a crow bar under his cloak.  
  
"Well, alright. Just be careful. Ah, and here come the Slytherins." Hagrid said, and while he turned away Percy has the perfect opportunity to open the crate and let the Rupert Grint get Harry. However, it was asleep and would not move. Percy jumped on top of the crate and began jumping up and down screaming "wake up".  
  
"Hey Percy! Is that some kind of new dance?" Harry yelled across the - field? grounds? whatever it's called.  
  
"Uh-yeah. Come and join me. But make sure you stand right in front of the crate. That's very important." Percy shouted back.  
  
For reasons unknown, Pansy Parkinson walked in between Harry and the crate. A low growl was heard from the crate; an ugly, hairy arm shot out and grabbed Parkinson's ankle and dragged her in. Screams could be heard from all over the school grounds.  
  
"Quick! Close up the crate!" Hagrid yelled.  
  
"Wow! That was a close one, huh Percy? That could have been me!" Harry said.  
  
"I know." Percy muttered stalking back up to the castle. "But soon, it will be you." Percy said cackling evilly.  
  
~AN/ End Chapter 5. Draco can rejoice now that Parkinson is dead. Next a teacher will die. To see who, read chapter 6 coming soon. 


	6. Watch Out for Grindylows

Disclaimer: We own nothing, but a movie which we've been watching all weekend. We now have Draco's lines memorized. "Good one Goyle." "I didn't know you could read." "As for me, I hope it's Granger." "No one asked your opinion, you filthy little Mudblood." "Potter, you've got yourself a girlfriend." As you can see, we've been busy.  
  
Ch. 6: Watch out for Grindylows!  
  
Much time has passed since we have last visited Harry and the gang. Many other people have died due to Percy's incompetence. But, I'll say this for him. He never gives up. In fact, he has another plan.  
  
We see our 'hero' Harry walking outside to visit Hagrid. Due to the cold weather, Harry has on earmuffs. Hagrid's busy working in his pumpkin patch, trying to protect them from the bitter cold.  
  
"I must help my dear friend Hagrid." Harry decides.  
  
He pulls his invisibility cloak out from nowhere, and throws it over the pumpkins to keep them warm.  
  
"Oh no, the pumpkins disappeared! And now I can't find my cloak!" Harry said beginning to dig around in the dirt searching for the invisible pumpkins and cloak.  
  
Hagrid, who has just now noticed Harry's arrival, gets up to say hi when he suddenly hears a cry for help coming from the lake.  
  
"Harry! Hurry! We must go save this person!" Hagrid yells while rushing towards the lake.  
  
Harry, earmuffs firmly placed over his ears, continues his search for the pumpkins.  
  
~Meanwhile~  
  
We see Percy in the bushes yelling for help. His plan this time was meant to appeal to Harry's heroic side. He placed an inflatable doll in the middle of the lake. Knowing Harry's need to save the day, he then proceeded to yell for help. Little did he know, it was Hagrid, not Harry, running for the lake. He didn't count on the cold snap which forced Harry into those earmuffs. Percy, who never considered the possibility of anyone else coming to the rescue, suddenly heard a huge splash.  
  
"Potter's not that big." He said glancing through the bushes just in time to see Hagrid swimming toward the doll.  
  
"Don't worry! I'm comin'!" Hagrid yelled.  
  
Just as he touched the doll, a grindylow jumped out of the doll and bit Hagrid on the nose. More grindylows followed the first one's example and before long Hagrid was dragged under. In a few minutes Hagrid re-emerged floating face first in the water. He was probably still alive, but sadly we'll never know, because at that moment the giant squid wrapped a tenticle around Hagrid's ankle and pulled him under. And that was the last anyone ever saw of Hagrid.  
  
"Ah! I found it." Harry said. "Hey Hagrid! Hey, he's not here. He must have gone back inside. Wow, it's getting late. Time to head back to the castle." Harry said skipping towards the castle.  
  
~AN/ End Ch. 6. Next chapter will be all about potions class. Right now we're off to go watch more Draco. "See you at school."(not really, we just couldn't think of another parting line of Draco's from the movie other than that one.) 


	7. Guns and Potions

Disclaimer: Still own nothing.  
  
Ch. 7: Guns and Potions  
  
It was now a week before Christmas break at Hogwarts. Snape was in a particularly vindictive mood on this day. Vindictive enough to kill even.  
  
It was time to start double potions but Snape had yet to arrive. The Gryffindors were chatting happily, while the Slytherins practiced hexes on various small animals. Snape suddenly burst into the room, and limped to his desk.  
  
"Professor, you're limping." Hermione said in that annoying know-it-all way.  
  
"50 points from Gryffindor Miss Granger. I will not tolerate your bitchy voice today. I want complete quiet in this room. Anyone who talks is gonna get their head blown off." Snape said in his most menacing form. Little did they know, our dear Snape was the sharpest shooter in the Wizard World. He limped into the room, due to the riffle down his pants leg. He also had various pistols hidden in his cloak, and one taped underneath his desk.  
  
They were fixing their potions for about 15 minutes, until Ron suddenly stepped on Harry's foot.  
  
"Ouch! My foot!" Harry yelped while hopping up and down on one foot.  
  
"Damn it Potter! I said quiet!" Snape snatched the riffle from his pants and quickly took his shot.  
  
However, Harry's lightening fast reflexes that he developed from Quidditch enabled him to hop away just in time for the bullet to graze the back of his head. Goyle, who happened to be standing behind Harry, took the bullet in the head.  
  
"100 points from Gryffindor Potter, for moving out of the way, causing me to kill my student." Snape said sitting back down to polish his shot-gun.  
  
Percy, who coviniently found a big bag of bricks, was leaning over one of the ceiling's beams and using Wingardium Leviosa to position the bricks right over Harry's head. Unfortunately, Crabbe shoved Harry out of the way so he could get to his better half's body, right as Percy let the bricks drop. Crabbe took the full force of the bricks and for a second stood there, seemingly unfazed, before he collapsed.  
  
"Another 100 points from Gryffindor, for being alive Potter. Now sit down, before I really lose my temper." Snape said aiming his prized riffle at Potter again, where it stayed until the end of class.  
  
Percy was throwing a fit in the beams. So great was his anger, that he threw Wormtail - I mean Scabbers, into one of the bubbling cauldrons.  
  
~AN/ End Ch. 6. We are aware how short this chapter is, and we apologize. But we only have so much time in out 4th period sit-in. Chapter 7 will be the Quidditch Tournament. 


	8. Showdown on the Quidditch Pitch

Disclaimer: Own nothing.  
  
Ch. 8: Showdown on the Quidditch Pitch  
  
Bet you've been wondering when we'd get around to a Quidditch match. And if you haven't that's too bad because we're the authors and as far as this story goes our word is law. Anyway, Harry was so excited because today was his Quidditch match against Ravenclaw. He was still undecided about whether or not he should ask Cho or Hermione to the Yule Ball which was now only a matter of weeks away. That's right, the Yule Ball. The one that they already had a year ago.  
  
"I wonder if I'll be able to perform to my fullest. Cho's beauty might distract me from the task at hand. Just like when Hermione distracts me from my work in class. Why do I have so many tough decisions to make. Why must girls flock to me? I can't help it that I'm so damn charming and muscley." Harry said while changing into his Quidditch robes. Unfortunately, Harry was saying all this out-loud in the lockeroom, and his teammates were beginning to stare at him. Harry, completely oblivious to his team's stares, began his inspiring speech as Quidditch captain.  
  
"You guys, you may not be as talented as me, or as good-looking as me (especially you Ron), but don't worry. I'll catch that snitch, like I always do, -"  
  
"But Harry, remember that time Cedric beat you in -" Ron began. (By the way, out of the kindness of our hearts, Ron's replacing Oliver Wood as keeper. If only he were as good-looking as Oliver.)  
  
"That was not my fault! The forces of nature were working against me. And besides, Cedric cheated! He hired those dementors to make me fall! Those lousy cheating Hufflepuffs. Made me lose my Nimbus 2000. My very first broom!" here Harry broke into a sob. His team walked out on him, and 10 minutes into the game he finally realized they left so he joined the game. Ron was a pitiful keeper and didn't block a single shot. The score was Ravenclaw 60: Gryffindor 0.  
  
~Meanwhile~  
  
Hidden in the stands was Percy. He had managed to steal one of Snape's shotguns. Unfortunately, Percy's never worked a gun before, so when he accidentally pulled the trigger, the bullet shot through the stands and shot Justin Finch-Fletchley in the back of the head.  
  
"Ah, so that's how it works." Percy said aiming the gun at Harry.  
  
"Ha, ha. So long Potter." Percy cackled evilly.  
  
This being the first time Percy ever used a gun, he ended up shooting Cho Chang, who was flying above Harry. Cho fell off of her broom and into Harry's arms.  
  
"Oh Cho! I knew you were the one I loved all along. And now that I know you feel the same way, we can go to the Yule Ball together." Harry said in a dreamy voice. He was just about to move in and kiss her when the snitch suddenly fell in the hood of her Quidditch robes.  
  
"Cho! No! How could you betray me like this!" he yelled.  
  
Just as the announcer is about to announce Ravenclaw's victory, Harry grabs the snitch from Cho's hood, then let's her fall. Gryffindor 'clearly' wins. Cho, has fallen into the lap of Dumbledore, whose feeble heart, could not take the sudden shock.  
  
"My heart!" he stands up dropping Cho to the floor while clutching his chest. He suddenly falls over and lands in Snape's lap. Snape nudged Dumbledore with his rifle, and dumps him to the floor on top of Cho.  
  
Percy is really pissed by this point in time, and accidentally pulls the trigger shooting Professor Trelawney in the ass.  
  
~AN/ End Ch. 8. Sorry it's been a while, but we had a 4 day weekend. We've just found out our chemistry teacher is letting us watch Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets in class. This is exactly why she's our favorite teacher. Next chapter, Yule Ball and Evil Twins. We a review from Kitsune Arashi saying we haven't changed Draco. We meant to, but we got side tracked by his perfection. We'll try to change him some if you want us to. Please review!!! (see, you've all reduced us to begging for reviews!) 


	9. Tea Time

Disclaimer: Yeah. Sure we own Harry Potter. That's exactly why we're writing stories on fanfiction.net and making no money. Common sense people.  
  
Ch. 9: Tea Time  
  
Well, with the tragic deaths of both Ginny and Cho, Harry now had one option left. Hermione. But it's just as well. He knew they were destined to be together, since she hadn't died yet. He was just worried about Ron's reaction. He had no worries about Hermione. She wouldn't dare to turn him down. After all, who could resist him? He went to find Hermione, but found Dobby instead.  
  
"Hello Harry Potter sir. Dobby is very glad to see you. You never come visit Dobby anymore, sir. Did Dobby upset Harry Potter?" that hideous little maggot named Dobby questioned in his most pitiful voice.  
  
"Of course not. I've just been really busy lately. You know, being famous is hard work. Every night before I go to sleep, I always think to myself how nice it would be if my good friend Dobby would bring me some tea to help me fall asleep." Harry said patting Dobby on the back and sauntering off in search of Hermione. He knew very well he'd be having tea tonight. (By the way, it's the day before the Yule Ball, so it's Christmas Eve.)  
  
~Meanwhile~  
  
Percy, who was lurking in the shadows, overheard Harry and Dobby. He also knew Dobby would carry Harry the tea. That's when he began plotting his next attack.  
  
Harry found Hermione in (gasp) the library.  
  
"Hey there baby. I know you can't resist me. You're the lucky girl I've decided to take to the ball. You'll wear a green dress to match my eyes, don't expect flowers, and you better be waiting for me downstairs at 6:30. This is an order, not a request." Harry finished.  
  
"Oh Harry! You're so sweet. I was hoping you'd ask me. I did have a purple dress, but I'll go exchange it for a green one right now." She kissed him on the cheek and pranced off towards God only knows where.  
  
"Oh yeah. I'm good." Harry said congratulating himself.  
  
~Later That Night~  
  
Dobby was on his way to Harry's room with the tea when he heard Professor Percy talking in the teacher's lounge.  
  
"Oh my. This is such good tea. Yes. This is the best tea I've ever had. If only a house elf would come in and take some of this wonderful tea to my good friend, Harry Potter. A house elf like Dobby. Yes, Dobby is such a hard worker, I'm sure he wouldn't mind carrying this delicious tea to Harry Potter." Percy said.  
  
Dobby suddenly had a brilliant idea. Professor Percy wanted Harry to have this tea, Harry wanted tea, and the Professor wanted a house elf like Dobby to carry the tea. So, it was only logical that Dobby should carry this tea to Harry Potter, and then everyone would be happy.  
  
"Professor! I heard you talking about some tea for Harry Potter, sir. I'll take it to him." Dobby said eyeing the large cup of tea. The fact the tea was bubbling and steam was rolling out of the cup meant nothing to Dobby.  
  
"Well, alright. I'll give you this chance. Don't let anyone other than Harry Potter drink it. And be careful not to spill a drop." Percy said handing him the cup and saucer.  
  
Dobby was carefully making his way to the Gryffindor dormitories, when his former master, Draco Malfoy, decided to have some fun. Draco was standing in the shadows and saw Dobby heading towards the Gryffindor tower.  
  
"Bet that tea's for Potter. It would be a shame if something caused it to spill." He thought to himself.  
  
Just as Dobby was passing by, Draco stuck his foot out and tripped him. Dobby fell face first into the steaming tea. He lifted his face and everything seemed alright for a couple of seconds until his face started to melt off. Pretty soon nothing but an ugly skull was left.  
  
"Cool. I'll take this as a souvenir." Draco said popping Dobby's skull off of his neck.  
  
~Up in the Dorm Room~  
  
"Where is that stupid elf!? That's it! He can't be my friend anymore!" Harry yelled taking out his frustrations by punching Hedwig.  
  
~AN/ End Ch. 9. We realize this was supposed to be the Yule Ball and Evil Twins chapter, but that'll be next. It took us five day's to write this much. Review!!!!!! 


	10. Yule Ball and Evil Twins

Disclaimer: We don't own Harry Potter, and apparently we don't own many reviews either.(  
  
Chapter 10: Yule Ball and Evil Twins  
  
This was it. Tonight was the night. The Yule Ball has finally arrived (bet you can hardly contain yourself). Harry had finally recovered from not getting his tea the night before, and was looking forward to his date with Hermione, so he could hear her praise him and talk about how wonderful he was. Ron, who could not find a date was forced to take the house elf, Winky.  
  
(AN/ It had occurred to us that we have yet to give a physical description of Ron. He's tall, like 7ft, and muscley despite the fact he's been in one Quidditch match his entire life. Quidditch, the miracle worker of body building. He has a big nose, big ears, his red hair is in a crew cut, and he's ugly. And because this is about rumors being true, he's a lady's man. But we're still making him go with Winky. We're going for cheap laughs.)  
  
Harry was wearing the same green dress robes from the year before. Ron was wearing some nice blue dress robes. Unfortunately, they were too short and came up to his knees. See, when Neville died on the train, Ron stole all of his clothes. He also stole Trevor the toad. So all of his clothes were nice looking, but they were 3 feet too short for him and too tight due to his bulging Quidditch muscles. Enough about Ron. Hermione had gone all out and bought the green robes just like Harry wanted. Draco, was looking quite sexy in his charcoal gray robes. He was going with - us. Not really. He's going alone. He's the DJ.  
  
Just as Harry had instructed, Hermione was waiting for him outside. Actually she was a little early. She saw Harry, or someone who looked an awful lot like Harry, walking towards her. Except he was wearing black dress robes (dun, dun, dun).  
  
"Oh Harry, you look wonderful. But I thought you were going to wear your green robes from last year." Hermione said in that whiny know-it-all voice.  
  
"Shut your face, you bucked tooth banshee. Smell ya later." The Harry look alike said.  
  
We'll go on and tell you now, he is Larry, Harry's evil twin. And he's just suddenly come to Hogwarts to wreak havoc in Harry's life. (AN/ We know Granger's not supposed to have bucked teeth anymore, but we couldn't help ourselves.)  
  
"Oh Harry! How can you be so mean to me?" she said choking back sobs.  
  
Opposite from where Larry left, Harry comes in to see Hermione crying.  
  
"Hermione, what's wrong?" Harry asked in a semi-concerned voice.  
  
"Oh don't even act like nothing's happened! I hate you. And don't ever talk to me again!" she screamed and then slapped him in the face.  
  
Harry just stood there in complete shock from the fact that anyone could slap him. He rushed to a nearby mirror to see if any permanent damage had been done.  
  
"I can't believe it. She slapped me. Me! But, I'm just so handsome." Harry shouted banging his fist into the mirror.  
  
"That's it. I'll show her. I'm God's gift to women after all." Harry cried out in his most determined voice.  
  
~Meanwhile~  
  
Who should we see but Viktor Krum, who came from God only knows where. He's there because, well we don't know, he just wants to be. He sees Granger run away from Harry and clenches his enormous jaw in fury. He was determined to win back the love of his life. He followed her into the (dun, dun, dun) library.  
  
"Herm-own-ninny, vhot is wrong?" he asked putting a comforting albeit claw like hand on her shoulder.  
  
"Oh Viktor! I can't believe I ever thought I was good enough to be with Harry. I can't really blame him for making fun of me."  
  
Completely ignored, even though sitting at a table right in front of them, was (dun, dun, dun) Percy. He was staring at them with a look of morbid fascination. The table was covered with blue prints of the castle, and a lot of little sketches of Potter dying.  
  
~Meanwhile~  
  
Harry finally decided to go check on Hermione. He thought of the on place she could be, the (dun, dun, dun) library. He runs in and sees Hermione in the arms of (dun, dun, dun) Viktor Krum. (Surprised?)  
  
"Hermione! How could you cheat on me with this, this thing?! Don't you realize how ugly he is?" Harry asked trying to pull her away from Viktor.  
  
"Oh Harry, you're absolutely right. But, you did say some mean things about me." She cried.  
  
"What the hell is it you keep talking about?" he asked  
  
"When you were wearing the black robes." She cried out.  
  
"Black?" he said staring down at his robes. "Do these look black to you?" he yelled.  
  
"No, but these do." Larry said pointing at his own robes. Gasps echo throughout the library. Larry disappeared into the shadows.  
  
Percy, who saw his window of opportunity, grabbed a copy of (dun, dun, dun) Hogwarts, A History, and stood on one of the top shelves and threw it at Harry and Granger. Unfortunately, Krum chose this exact moment to be a man and shoved Harry away, so that the book landed on him and Granger, instantly killing them.  
  
"Damn it! Now I have to go to the dance alone. I'm gonna look like such a loser. Oh, Percy. I didn't see you there. Are you going to the dance? Percy, are you crying?" Harry asked.  
  
Indeed Percy was crying. He was curled up on the floor in his fetal position and crying, like a baby.  
  
"Well, you have a nice night, Percy. I've gotta go find me a date. And don't worry. I'm sure you'll find the right girl for you eventually, so don't cry." Harry said while giving Percy a reassuring pat on the back.  
  
"It's not fair!" Percy screamed into the now empty library. "It's just not fair!"  
  
Harry stole Winky from Ron, so Ron ended up going alone. But this time Ron came out the winner.  
  
~AN/ Don't know why we're bothering to update at all. You guys suck. It takes a minute to review. We even had to force one of our friends to review, and he's never read the books or seen the movie. Well anyway, you're all about to get your wish because our summer break starts tomorrow at 11:36 a.m., and we might be just a little too busy to update this summer. Hope you're all happy now that you've shattered our self- confidence. Gonna go pout now. Watch some Draco. Begin the healing process. 


	11. A Change of Heart, but Not Really

Hello! Bet you're wondering where we've been. Well, probably not, so we won't go into details. Well, fifth book is out. Since it lays all rumors to rest, we pretty much have nothing to make fun of anymore. But we're going to anyway. Did anyone notice when Ginny fell down the stairs? If only she'd died like in our version. Well, Sirius is dead, and we hadn't planned on killing him at all. That sorta throws a wrench into our story. In fact the whole book was a wrench to our story. Except for Ron. We were right about him. He was even more pathetic than we could have hoped for. And Percy. What can we say about Percy? Well he's not the Death Eater we hoped for, but we still think he has potential. Don't get us wrong, we're not Percy fans or anything. It just amuses us to mess with him. Alright, enough of our rambling, on with the story.  
  
Ch. 11 A Change of Heart, but Not Really  
  
Let's skip to somewhere near the end of the year. Many people have died since the Yule Ball, but none important enough to mention. Harry and Ron were deeply upset by the loss of their dear friend, Hermione. It took all of five minutes for them to recover. They sometimes thought of her. When their homework began to pile up and they had no notes to copy. (As little as we care about Granger, we know what it's like to have stupid people try to copy your homework all the time. It's so damn annoying.) Needless to say, Harry and Ron were on the verge of failing. In fact, if they failed just one of their exams, they would have to be held back a year. We find our not-so-heroic heroes in the (dun, dun, dun) library. Harry, who now is without a girlfriend, is writing down a few possible candidates (who are still alive).  
  
"No, no, no! They just aren't good enough for me! Ron, go scare some pretty girls so they'll come to me to be rescued from your extreme ugliness. Well, don't just stare at me, get going! But give me five minutes, I have to make sure I look all heroic when they come." Harry said while flexing. As a result, his bulging "Quidditch" muscles popped open his shirt.  
  
"Hey Potter, I've had a change of heart. We're going to be best friends, you piece of shit."  
  
"What? Who dares to insult the Great Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived-" Harry began but was cut off by Draco.  
  
"Yeah, the Boy Who Lived to Annoy Me. Anyway buddy, drag your bony ass out of here so we can go play Quidditch." Draco said while putting an arm around Harry's shoulders, or so it seemed. At the last minute he decided to knock him to the ground instead.  
  
"You seem to have tripped buddy, let me help you up, Potty." Draco offered Harry his hand to help him up. Help him into his fist, which effectively broke his glasses in two.  
  
"Potter you damn klutz! Watch where you're going. You could have hurt yourself. Well, kill ya, I mean see ya later buddy." And with that Draco sauntered off. Just then the girls that Ron had been scaring ran up to Harry who had a bloody nose and was groping blindly for his glasses.  
  
"Eww. Harry, you look hideous, almost as bad as Ron." And with that the girls walked off leaving Harry crumpled up on the floor.  
  
"This is your heroic look?" Ron questioned.  
  
"Don't look at me. No one must see me now!" Harry wailed while curling up into a ball and crying. When he broke into "Big Boys Don't Cry" Ron left to head back to the dormitory. Without his leader to show him the way, Ron ended up getting lost.  
  
~Meanwhile~  
  
Percy, who had been watching the whole library scene, began his next plot to kill Potter.  
  
"Oh Harry, I saw the whole thing. You look terrible. Let me take you to my office to fix you up."  
  
"Percy, you're a real friend." Harry said allowing himself to be lead away by Percy.  
  
Alright, this is a really bad plan on Percy's behalf. He has a room covered in mirrors waiting for Harry downstairs. He's hoping Harry will see his reflection, be devastated by his grotesque appearance and kill himself, or otherwise have a heart attack. Of course, this won't work anyway because Harry can't see. Percy really is losing his touch. (From reading the first chapter of this story you may have been lead to believe Harry had contacts, just disregard that, otherwise this chapter doesn't work at all and we don't feel like starting over.)  
  
~Meanwhile~  
  
Ron, still lost, snuck into a room. The same room filled with (dun, dun, dun) mirrors. For the time being it was completely dark, he couldn't see a thing.  
  
~The other Meanwhile~  
  
Percy and Harry had just rounded the corner of the corridor as Ron closed the door. Of course only Ron would be stupid enough to stay in the room once he saw that it was completely dark.  
  
"Here, Harry, just go in this door and I'll be there in a minute." Percy said while showing Harry the door.  
  
"I don't know what I'd do without a great friend like you Percy, I love you man." Harry cried while pulling Percy into a hug.  
  
After throwing up, Percy shoved Harry into the room and locked the door behind him.  
  
"Why's it so dark in here? Harry Potter Super Lumos! (that's our own little spell)" Harry yelled while striking an amazing pose.  
  
Light suddenly filled the room. Though Harry still couldn't see, at least it wasn't dark any more.  
  
"Harry, is that you mate? Look at all these portraits of this hideous guy. He looks like that Grint that Hagrid showed us in class that time. Oh my God, he's doing everything I do! He's alive! Help me Harry!" Ron suddenly started to claw at his own eyes with one hand, and with the other started throwing curses at the "Grint". Well, being that the "Grint" was actually a mirror, the curses were reflected back. Ron, who couldn't see by this point, was hit by the giant mass of mixed curses and died. We won't bore you with all the gruesome details. Harry was so full of self pity that he hadn't even noticed Ron was in the room. Percy, hearing the cries of pain, swung open the door to see Harry wandering aimlessly around the room and Ron dead on the floor. Harry tripped over Ron and fell over into a mirror, cutting his forehead. Harry's new scar was in the shape of the Dark Mark.  
  
Suddenly he remembers he has an extra pair of glasses in his pocket. He puts them on and stares at his reflection in the broken mirror.  
  
"Oh God! My beautiful face. Oh, wait, that's Ron's reflection. Here's mine. Oh, not another scar. This is your fault!" Harry kicked Ron in the foot and began to pout.  
  
"Damn, damn, damn, damn!!!! Why won't you die?! I hate you!" Percy yelled.  
  
Of course Harry heard none of this, he was looking at himself again.  
  
"You always were jealous of my looks weren't you Ron? We're not friends anymore. I hope you die!" Harry yelled, and ran out of the room.  
  
~The Next Day~  
  
Harry was still waiting for Ron to come crawling back, when he literally ran into Draco on the stairs.  
  
"Potter, you fool! You're gonna get yourself killed one day, God willing. You've got to learn to be more careful little buddy. Come on! I've got to kick your talented ass at Quidditch." Draco said while dragging Harry out to the pitch.  
  
~AN/ End ch. 11. Well, do you think it was worth the wait? If you haven't abandoned us that is. About the glasses, we'd forgotten we said he no longer wore them in ch. one, and we didn't catch our mistake until we were beyond the point that we actually cared. That was a pitiful effort from Percy wasn't it? For those who didn't catch it, the title was referring to Draco's odd behavior. Trust us, there is a method to our madness, most of the time anyway. Also, "Grint" refers to Rupert Grint, who plays Ron. He's the reason we really hate Ron. Anyway, it might be around mid-August before we get to update again. Ch. 12, Colin Creevey, Ladies Man?  
  
P.S. The scar was originally going to be in the shape of Texas, but the Dark Mark just seemed right somehow. Thanks! 


	12. Colin Creevey, Ladies Man?

Disclaimer: Obviously we own nothing, otherwise why would we be here?  
  
~AN/ We feel sorta guilty. We started this chapter a long time ago, but got sidetracked. We hope you'll enjoy it, but we're not making any promises.  
  
Ch. 12 Colin Creevey, Ladies Man?  
  
As usual our story starts with Harry, who is standing in front of a mirror trying desperately to cover up his new scar with some make-up he stole from Hermione's room. (seeing as how she's dead she isn't gonna be needing it any time soon.) Harry had taken it upon himself to raise Crookshanks. But even so, he was still desperately lonely. He was still giving Ron the silent treatment, although he was beginning to wonder why he hadn't seen him around. And of course he missed having Hermione follow him around like a dog. He still couldn't figure out Draco's odd behavior. During their Quidditch practice together, Draco shoved Harry off his broom, then proceeded to carry him to Madame Pomfrey to make sure he was alright. Upon hearing that Harry was going to be fine, he then began to brutally beat him with his broom, while telling Harry how relieved he was that he was going to be alright. Harry was so tired of being lonely be resorted to putting an ad in the Daily Prophet.  
  
The ad read as follows:  
Hi. I'm Harry Potter. Some of you have probably heard of me before. Well, actually all of you should have. You know, that studly 15 year old 'Boy-Who-Lived'. Anyway, I'm looking for a penpal. Requirements: must be uglier than me, and praise me non-stop. If you meet these requirements, you can qualify to be my new friend.  
Your Handsome Hero, Harry  
  
Less than 2 days after his ad ran, the letters started pouring in. Out of 4 letters he narrowed it down to 3 finalists. They were (dun, dun, dun) Mr. Weasley, a young girl named Herm-ernie Macmillan, and Moldevort. He was extremely interested in Herm-ernie who sent a picture. She had lots of curly brown hair. He was flipping through them in the Great Hall when he came across the picture again. Upon second glance, she looked awfully familiar.  
  
"Hey Ernie! Have you got a sister named Herm-ernie Macmillan? She looks just like you except with long curly brown hair." Harry shouted to the Hufflepuff table.  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about." Ernie said shoving a wig into a bag. "I'm an only child." Ernie said blushing.  
  
"But she looks just like you. And you have the same last name!" Harry argued.  
  
"I said no!" Ernie yelled while running out of the Great Hall in tears.  
  
"That was odd. I can understand why he won't admit that's his sister. She's awfully ugly. Oh, hi Colin. Where'd you come from?" Harry asked as Colin Creevey sat down next to him.  
  
"Harry, I don't know what it is, but the girls just can't seem to keep their hands off of me." Colin whined.  
  
"I don't know what it is either, Colin." Harry said bitterly. "But I might take a few off your hands."  
  
"That'd be great, Harry. You know, I'm beginning to think they're all just after me for my body." Colin said glancing nervously over his shoulder.  
  
Suddenly a swarm of girls came running in wearing T-shirts with Colin's face on them.  
  
"There he is!" Lavender Brown yelled, and they ran straight for Colin, until Harry stood up with a smirk on his face.  
  
"Ladies, all of your dreams are about to come true. Harry Potter is available. No need to bow down before my greatness, yet that is." Harry began chuckling at his own joke.  
  
"Uh, who are you again? Well, it's not important. Colin, you got away from us again. How'd you get untied?" Lavender grabbed his arm and attempted to drag him off again.  
  
"Harry, help me!" Colin screamed as he was being dragged off.  
  
"But, I'm Harry Potter! Girls are all over me like a cheap whore, like a Weasley over 2 Knuts!" Harry yelled. "Ouch! My nose!" Harry screamed after being thrown head first into the corner of the Gryffindor table.  
  
"Lord, you're such a fool, Harry. Throwing yourself into tables like that. Someone might have been hurt." Draco said eyeing Harry's bloody nose with distaste.  
  
"Here, clean yourself up. You look like a Weasley at a bargain bin blowout." Draco laughed while tossing a napkin to Harry. Draco began to walk off, and as he was leaving, threw a Cruciatus Curse Harry's way.  
  
"Get up, Potter, and get out of my way." Snape barked at Harry, who was lying on the floor writhing in pain.  
  
"But, sir-" Harry began.  
  
"Nah, I don't want to hear it. Why are you so hard headed?" Snape yelled while seemingly reaching for his wand, but instead pulled out a shotgun. (That's a small tribute to the assistant principle at our high school. We call him lunchman. That's his favorite saying.)  
  
"Please, sir-" Harry tried again.  
  
"Potter, if you ever get in my was again, I'll shoot you like a wild Weasley and mount you on my wall." Snape said walking towards the teacher's table.  
  
~Later In Harry's Dorm~  
  
Harry was reading his newest letters from the 3 finalists. The letter from Herm-ernie was all about how much she loved Harry. The letter from Mr. Weasley was all about how much he loved Harry, and the letter from Moldevort was all about how much he hated Harry and wished for his painful demise.  
  
"Oh no. I must convert this poor soul, poor like the Weasleys. Poor, ugly, trash, cheap, and used like the Weasleys. Anyway, if I do my civic duty by this misguided fellow, I'll be a hero again. And Colin won't have any girls, because then I'll have all the girls. Maybe I'll even get an Order of Merlin. Ah, it's good to be Harry Potter."  
  
~Meanwhile~  
  
Bet you've been wondering what's been happening with Percy this chapter. Actually, we know you probably haven't, but brace yourselves because here he is. Percy was in the (dun, dun, dun) library. After seeing Harry with his new letters in the Great Hall, he came up with his next not-so- brilliant, brilliant plan. Percy was to steal one of Harry's letters before it reached him, and put a new charm on it he had been researching. The burn- you-up charm. (Our own little invention.) As soon as Harry would open the letter, it'd burn his head off. And he had the perfect opportunity to capture Hedwig.  
  
~Next Morning~  
  
As predicted, Snape was out early the next morning using incoming owls as target practice.  
  
"Hey Snape, I bet you can't hit that white one." Percy said from behind Snape.  
  
"Oh really?" Snape questioned turning to look at Percy, and without even breaking eye contact with him, shot both of Hedwig's wings off.  
  
"Get out of my sight Weasley, or you're next. Go back to the dumpster your family crawled out of." Snape threatened, putting the gun against Percy's nose.  
  
"Yes sir, just let me retrieve that owl." Percy pleaded.  
  
"You mean my owl. Though I'm sure no one in your family knows the meaning of the word 'my'. But, I'm in a generous mood, so I'll let you have him for your dinner. Fine feast, eh Weasley." Snape said tossing the bird in Percy's face. "Better than those rats your mother usually serves up." And with that Snape shot the rest of the owls flying around, and Percy ran off with Hedwig.  
  
~Later At Breakfast~  
  
Unfortunately, with Hedwig dead and all, Percy had to levitate it over to Harry.  
  
Harry was just minding his own business, when Hedwig knocked him upside the head, shoving Harry face first into the porridge.  
  
"What the hell? Oh, Hedwig, you have a letter for me." Just as Harry was about to take the letter, Colin and his crowd of girls came into the Great Hall. In a fit of jealousy, Harry threw Hedwig at Colin.  
  
"Ouch. Harry, is this letter for me, really? If I had my camera, I'd take a picture!" He began to open the envelope, when the burn-you-up charm began to take effect and burned him up.  
  
"Colin, you loser. Give me my mail. Damn it all, Colin, it's all burned up!" Harry shouted, while Colin was running around with his head on fire.  
  
"Oh, he's so brave!" Parvati squealed.  
  
"Help me, Harry!" Colin managed to scream.  
  
"You owe me a letter, so you better stop running around like a Weasley with your head cut off!" Harry yelled.  
  
Unfortunately, Colin would never return Harry's letter, because he was dead. To make matters worse, the crazed Fan Girls carted off Colin's body.  
  
"Oh, hi Percy. Why do you look so upset? Did you see what Colin did to my letter? It really choked me up too." Harry said patting Percy on the shoulder. "He ran off with my girls too." Harry whined.  
  
"Get your filthy hand off of me. Do I look like some kind of Weasley who is used to filth." Percy sneered.  
  
"But Percy, you are a filthy Weasley." Harry began. "Now stop acting like a whining Weasley who has missed out on the Malfoy's garbage day, and cheer up." And with that, Harry left.  
  
"Weasley, I gave you that bird to eat, not to play with. I'm taking it back, and I'm gonna stuff it like a Weasley who's just ate all the free samples at a grocery store." Snape said storming off with Hedwig.  
  
"Damn!" Percy yelled and began to cry like a Weasley whose 30 year old hand- me-down robes finally disintegrated.  
  
~AN/ Well, we actually started this chapter Aug. 11, but we've been really busy. That's the same day school started. Even as we're writing this we've got some nosy little bastard trying to read it. We call him Jim. Anyway, we don't really know what inspired all the Weasley bashing, it just felt right. Well, some sad news, depending on how you look at it anyway, the next chapter will probably be the last. Next Chapter, End of the Crappy Story. And we had a request to add Umbridge to a chapter. Well, we've been giving it some thought, and we've decide not to add her to this story, but we are playing around with the idea of a story just for her. We rather like the idea of making her life a living hell. 


	13. End of this Crappy Story: part 1

Disclaimer: We still don't own a damn thing.  
  
~AN/ Well, well, well. Looks like we're finally going to finish this story. Don't wet yourself with excitement.  
  
CH. 13 End of this Crappy Story: part 1  
  
It was the last week of term. Harry, as expected, failed all of his exams, especially DADA and potions. Percy was nearly insane with frustration. He was tired of coming up with these wonderful plans, just to have them blow up in his face; well, someone else's face usually. And what's worse, he was beginning to have nightmares about his victims coming back to haunt him. Why just the other day, he dreamed that he saw Ron looking at him from his mirror. Funny thing is, he didn't think he was asleep at the time. As he was heading down the stairs towards breakfast he felt some force pushing him down the stairs.  
  
"Oh my God, Percy! Don't worry, I'll save you!" Harry yelled from below. He grabbed hold of the closest thing he could find, which happened to be Hannah Abbot, and threw her at the bottom of the stairs just as Percy was landing. Fortunately, she broke Percy's fall. Hannah, on the other hand, didn't quite make it.  
  
"Hey Percy, isn't that weird? Ginny once fell down the stairs too. You're lucky I was here to save you." Harry boasted while clapping Percy on the back.  
  
"Get off of me, Potter. I could have survived." Percy snapped stalking off.  
  
"Now, now, Percy, don't get all worked up about it. Not everyone can be a hero like me. Well, this business of saving the day has made me late for Quidditch. Bye buddy." And with that Harry left Percy to ponder how he fell down the stairs.  
  
"It has to all be a coincidence. It's probably Snape playing tricks on me. He's just trying to get me killed so he can be the DADA professor. Well, now that that's settled, I will head off to breakfast."  
  
~An Hour Later~  
  
As Percy is heading back from breakfast, he notices a chocolate chip cookie sitting on the ledge of an open window.  
  
"Some foolish first year probably left this lying around. I'm gonna have to confiscate this cookie, and run a taste test on it. Mmm. Chocolate chip. It's just as good as that one I stole from Longbottom on the train. Heh, that loser, - ouch!!!" Percy screamed as he was being given the wedgie of a lifetime. Suddenly he was flying towards the window.  
  
"No! I can't die yet, I haven't killed Potter!" Percy cried as he began the long decent to the ground. (Wow, that was a pretty good sentence. Our English teacher would be proud.)  
  
Right as Percy was about to hit the ground, he landed on a broomstick.  
  
"Gosh Percy, you're sure lucky I was here. As usual, that was some quick thinking on my part, taking the broom from Dean Thomas. Bad luck for him though. Did you hear that thud? It was hard enough as it is Dean to replace Ron, now we need another keeper. At least the season's over. See ya, Percy." Harry waved and flew off. (we can't account for why the team is practicing when the season's over, but then again Harry is the captain, and you know how he never misses a chance to show off.)  
  
"I can't believe Snape would go this far all because of a job."  
  
Percy stayed that way all morning, floating on the broom and brooding about Snape. He didn't even go to the DADA classes, which allowed the kids to run wild.  
  
He was torn from his thoughts by the sound of the lunch bell (do they even have a lunch bell?).  
  
He headed back toward the building and took his seat at the teachers' table. As Percy was sitting he turned to glare at Snape and didn't notice his bubbling cup. Still glaring at Snape, he reached for the cup and was just about to take a sip when -  
  
"Percy, no!" Harry knocked the cup away from Percy and it flew into the face of Padma Patil, who inadvertently swallowed some and instantly died.  
  
"Lucky for you my hero senses were tingling and alerted me to your danger. I - oh no!" Behind Percy's head was a floating knife about to stab him. Harry grabbed a plate, threw it at the knife, which ricocheted off the wall and went flying into Mrs. Norris. (bet you didn't see that one coming.)  
  
"Mrs. Norris! My precious cat! I'm gonna get you for this Potter!" Filch screamed. (Guess that means Mrs. Norris is the equivalent to Dennis Creevey.)  
  
As Filch went off to plot Potter's death (everyone seems to be doing that lately), Percy decided to go back to his new home, Hagrid's hut. It wasn't much, but it was a lot better than that broom closet they originally had him in.  
  
"Hey Percy! I've brought you some company. I was thinking, and it seems to me you could use a woman. So I've brought you my pen pal, Herm-ernie. I'll let you have her. I've even told your parents." Harry said patting Herm- ernie on her rather thick shoulder.  
  
"Gosh, they were excited. Let's go in and have some tea."  
  
~Then Suddenly~  
  
Having not been fed for a year, the Grint beside Fagrid's, I mean Hagrid's, cabin was released by a seemingly invisible force. The very ugly and very thin Grint burst out, sniffed the air for his prey, and with a great howl that shook the earth, he took off after Percy, who was closest. Harry's Quidditch muscles kicked in, and thinking fast, picked up Herm-ernie, who happened to be the closest thing, and hurled her in the Grint's path. The Grint stopped in his tracks, sniffed the air once more, and scooped up Herm- ernie in its mouth, and wagging his tail, took off for the Forbidden Forest. Just as she was about to disappear forever, her wig fell off, revealing Herm-ernie to be none other than Ernie Macmillan.(shocking!!!)  
  
"Harry, help me!!!" Ernie screamed from within the forest.  
  
"Why was Ernie dressed up like his sister Herm-ernie? Did - did Ernie want to marry Percy? But wait, earlier, when I was in the closet with Herm- ernie, was - was that really Ernie?" And Harry is left to ponder over these disturbing thoughts.  
  
~AN/ End Ch. 13 End of this Crappy Story: part 1. We decided this was far too long to put into one chapter so it'll be three parts at least. Besides, you would have been waiting at least another five months, and we know that'd just kill all of you devoted fans, well, both of you that is. REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW!!! 


	14. End of this Crappy Story: part 2

Disclaimer: We don't think this is absolutely necessary anymore.  
  
~AN/ Sorry for the delay. We've been lazy and uninterested in much of anything lately. Hope all 2 of you haven't abandoned us yet! If you have left us, does that mean we're talking to ourselves right now.  
  
Ch. 14 End of this Crappy Story Part 2  
  
We're gonna assume that the lake is between Hagrid's Hut and the castle, otherwise this won't work out. Percy, whose suspicious mind suspected Snape, headed off towards the castle to confront him. Just as he was passing the lake -  
  
"Hey Weasley, I think you girlfriend is in the lake!" Snape sneered.  
  
Percy whirled around to see Snape standing by the shore (as if Snape would actually ever come outside) and pointing to a moldy looking doll floating in the middle of the lake. Percy recognized it as the doll he used to try and lure Harry into the lake, but got Hagrid instead. Glaring at Snape, Percy began to slowly back away, when his back bumped into something as solid as a rock. Before he could turn around, he was being grabbed around the arms and thrown into the middle of the lake. Percy fell in with a big splash. Harry, who was still loitering around Hagrid's Hut, sensed Percy was in danger. Seamus Finnigan, who just happened to be an innocent bystander, was grabbed by Harry, who was running to the shore (imagine Harry running in slow motion with the Baywatch theme song playing in the background). He threw Seamus face first into the water, jumped on his back, and began to paddle out to Percy.  
  
"Percy, whatever you do, remain calm. Help is on the way. Everyone's favorite hero, me of course, is coming to rescue you." Harry yelled as he continued to paddle out.  
  
However, Percy could not remain calm as there were like 50 Grindylows circling him like a shark.  
  
Harry reached him and began fighting off the throng of Grindylows.  
  
"Back you demons, back I say! Release your hold on this man. Who wants a piece of Harry Potter?!" he yelled. He grabbed Percy and pulled him safely to shore, leaving Seamus behind as a decoy.  
  
(You know, these people should feel lucky. They almost made it to the end of the year. Neville never even made it off the train, Ginny never even made to the train.)  
  
Anyway, where were we? Harry was fighting the Grindylows, no wait, Seamus was fighting the Grindylows. And failing miserably.  
  
"You know Percy, bad luck seems to follow you like the plague. But lucky for you, so do I." Harry was about to leave when -  
  
"Potter, my class started 20 minutes ago. 100 points from Gryffindor for being late. Now get to class before I kill you. Might do it anyway. It's been a slow morning." Snape said after watching the whole scene with amusement. It took Harry 10 minutes to get from the lake to Snape's room. Snape somehow made it in 2.  
  
"Well class, look who finally decided to join us." Snape said as Harry walked in.  
  
"Oh thank God. It's my dear friend Harry Pothead. Where have you been? How many points did you lose for Gryffindor? I hope it was a lot." Draco sneered while grinning at Harry.  
  
Just as Harry was taking his seat, Percy burst in.  
  
"Snape! I demand that you leave me alone and stop trying to kill me! You're not getting my job!" Percy yelled banging his fist on Snape's desk.  
  
"Weasley! How dare you interrupt my class! 200 points from Gryffindor." Snape barked knocking Percy's fist off his desk with the end of a shotgun.  
  
"Ha! I knew it was you all along. It's always you behind everything. Like that time in first year, when you tried to kill me. Or that time in second year, when you tried to kill me. Or that time in third year, when you tried to kill me. Or that time in fourth year, when you tried to kill me. (We realized yesterday that in nearly every book Harry, Ron, and usually Granger, suspect Snape of like, everything bad that happens. Potter's so damn prejudiced.) Hey, I used to have an owl just like that. Haven't really seen it around lately." Harry said while pointing to the stuffed Hedwig perched on Snape's desk.  
  
~Then Suddenly~  
  
Harry looked Snape directly in the eyes when he saw a big bag of bricks reflected in Snape's black eyes.  
  
"Percy, no!" Harry ran to the back of the room, picked up Parvati Patil and threw her across the room to Percy, who was knocked out of the way, allowing Patil to take the hit full force in the head.  
  
"Potter, 250 points from Gryffindor for saving Weasley's sorry ass." Snape sneered.  
  
~AN/ wow. Gryffindor lost 550 points in one chapter. Legally, Snape probably could not take points from Percy, but who's gonna stand up to the man with the shotgun? He's shoot and still take off points. We realize we only got 2 people this chapter, but we're bored. You can expect the next chapter before Christmas, if you're lucky, maybe even Thanksgiving, but we make no promises. Now go review. We're beginning to develop inferiority complexes. 


	15. End of this Crappy Story: part 3

Disclaimer: Yeah. We own the Harry Potter empire. J.K.R. stole the idea from us. We were nine when we started writing it. Just kidding. Please don't sue. We're tutors, so we clearly have no money.  
  
~AN/ Stop reading the authors note and read the chapter. No we're just kidding. We like the attention. But seriously, we demand at least 100 reviews since we're finishing this story soon. Think of it as a parting gift.  
  
Ch. 15 End of this Crappy Story part 3  
  
~Still in the Dungeon, exactly as we left them~  
  
"Well if you want the job that bad - " Weasley was interrupted by Snape.  
  
"You paranoid little weasel. It's been weeks since I've tried to kill you." Snape said polishing his rifle.  
  
"Don't lie to me Snape. I know about your treacherous ways. I know all about you and the Dark Lord. How you left to come here. That's why he hired someone he could rely on." Percy said this with a note of pride.  
  
"Percy, how clever of you. Apparently, you were not deceived by Snape either. I always knew he was a shifty one." Harry said clapping Percy on the back.  
  
"Potter, I'm gonna give you one second to get in your desk before I shoot you full of holes like I did your father. One." As Snape said this he shot Harry. Fortunately, Harry was protected by his thick layers of Quidditch muscles, so it bounced back and hit Percy in the knee.  
  
"I saw that Snape! That was a deliberate attempt on Percy's life! I'm gonna get you fired." Harry said as Percy fell on the floor writhing in pain.  
  
"Potter, this is your last chance. Sit down or die!" Snape said picking up a corner of his desk and throwing it across the room, revealing a large canon.  
  
"I'm not scared of you. Do you think that puny canon can defeat the great Harry Potter?" as Harry asked, Snape aimed the canon at his chest and fired. Harry caught the cannonball. (Harry can't be more than five feet away from Snape, so that was pretty impressive.) Harry tossed the cannonball behind his back as if it were nothing, where it landed on the head of some random student.  
  
"1000 pts. From Gryffindor, courtesy of Potter." Snape said picking up his desk and putting it back where it belonged.  
  
Harry would've made some smart ass reply, or would've attempted one at least, had it not been for his dear friend Percy being magically pushed toward a bubbling cauldron. (Wormtail, we mean Scabbers, is a strong little guy.) Percy grabbed onto another random kid to try and stop himself. That random kid happened to be none other than (you never saw this one coming) Marcus Flint. (Marcus Flint is here because, well because we want him there. We're running out of people. Perhaps he failed many grades. Yeah, that's it. He failed.)  
  
"Percy, don't worry. I, Harry Potter, will save you, again. And I will do so while once again putting myself in danger. Because that's what a hero does. And I am nothing if not a hero. The best hero there is in fact. My middle name is even hero. Harry "Hero" Potter, that's me. I hope the ladies are watching." During his monologue, Percy was drawing ever closer to that bubbling cauldron, and Flint was now in tears at the prospect of being dragged along with him.  
  
"Excuse me, please make way for the hero. Damn Slytherins always in the way. Trying to prevent me, Harry "Hero" Potter, from saving the day." Harry grabbed Flint and pushed him out of the way, and into the bubbling cauldron conveniently placed in Flint's path. Harry pulled Percy out of the way and turned to glare at Snape.  
  
"Will you stop at nothing - " Harry was about to lecture Snape, but Snape silently stood, glared at everyone, took an additional 300 pts. from Gryffindor for killing Flint, and just left as if he no longer had the patience to put up with such stupidity.  
  
"Well, I guess I showed him. That's right. Run like the coward you are Snape. See, that's what people get when they mess with me, Harry "Hero" Potter." Of course, Harry waited until the door was completely shut before he said this, and even then he whispered it.  
  
~Later~  
  
Percy decided that as long as Snape was in the school, the school wasn't safe. Percy somehow ended up on the Quidditch Pitch.  
  
"Percy, what a lovely surprise. Did you come to practice Quidditch with me? Not that I need the practice, you know. After all, I am the best seeker in the world. But perhaps I can give you some tips. Which position do you want to play? I can play them all. Why I bet I could be the whole Gryffindor team if I wanted to, but we wouldn't want everyone to develop inferiority complexes. It's nice to let them think they're doing something. I'm just Mr. Nice after all. Actually, my fans prefer to call me "Harry Quidditch Hero Potter." During this even longer and more boring monologue, Percy left the field and hid up in the stands so that Harry couldn't find him.  
  
Percy was putting so much concentration into hiding that he didn't notice the levitating gun behind his head.  
  
"Percy? Where'd you go? I thought you wanted my help. Hey, why's there a gun floating up in those stands. Oh my gosh! It must be Snape trying to kill Percy! I must save him." Out of nowhere, Harry pulls out his trusty firebolt just as the gun is about to fire. Of course, we know that those firebolts travel at the speed of light, so of course there was no fear of Harry not reaching Percy in time. Terry Boot, a Ravenclaw who had the incredible misfortune of being on the Quidditch Pitch (perhaps he was mowing the lawn), was suddenly yanked off the ground by his shirt collar, while his feet still dragged on the ground. Suddenly he found himself place in between Percy and a gun. Boom. Terry Boot is no more. Harry hauls Percy onto his broom and flies around the Pitch in a victory lap. Another shot is fired from the stands; Harry accidentally took the bullet in the head. However, being incredibly thick headed, the bullet merely ricocheted off and bounced all the way up to the castle, and caught the Slytherin Blaise Zambini right between the eyes. He/She/He fell to her knees, and like Terry Boot, he was no more.  
  
~AN/ End chapter 15 End of this Crappy Story part 3. This is turning out to be a lot more drawn out than we originally planned. For the love of God review. We are in danger of being outdone by an 11 year old little sister of one of us. Save us from her wrath! (If you love Draco you will!) 


	16. End of this Crappy Story: part 4

Disclaimer: Has it really taken 15 chapters for you people to realize that we own nothing?  
  
~AN/ The end is at hand. All you have to do now is read this last chapter, review of course, and then you can put this whole miserable experience behind you. Sadly, we will actually feel as if we've accomplished something with this story.  
  
Ch. 15 End of this Crappy Story Part 4  
  
Let's call this a new day from where we left off. The next to last day in fact. So, by now, Percy's nerves are completely shot. What he needs is a nice relaxing cup of tea, delivered by Winky. After Dobby's untimely death, Winky decided that life was worth living after all. She gave up her drinking ways, sobered up for her one true love, Harry Quidditch Hero Potter. (Don't ya'll remember way back when the Yule Ball was around and Harry stole her away from Ron?) She and Harry had been "secretly" dating ever since then. So, she happily carried Professor Percy his "cup of cheer" as the elves in the kitchen liked to call it. His hot, bubbling, acid- looking "cup of cheer." Winky, being the brilliant house-elf that she was, thought someone had charmed it with a Super-Pick-You-Up charm.  
  
"Because, if Winky sir, delivers Professor Percy sir's tea, sir, then Harry Potter sir, will love Winky sir, even more, sir. Sir, sir, sir, tea, sir." Most of the few brain cells that Winky did possess were depleted due to all the alcohol she consumed. That sinful drink, butterbeer.  
  
~Meanwhile~  
  
"Hey Percy! Though you could use some company. And what better company than me, Harry-Your True Friend-Quidditch Hero-Potter. Come on, Percy! It's noon and your still haven't gotten up yet!" Harry yanked the covers from Percy. (Percy is wearing boxers with the Dark Mark on them, a t-shirt that says 'Death Eater' on the front, and on the back a picture of Harry with a line through it.) "Why Percy, what a lovely tribute to me. But I'm afraid your jobless useless mother got some sort of mark on it during the wash perhaps. She must not have known how to wash something without any holes in it. You know I –"and here Winky commits her biggest sin ever; interrupting Harry Potter during his speech.  
  
"Sir, Professor Percy sir, Winky sir, has brought you your tea, sir. Sir, Harry Potter sir, Winky sir is surprised to see you, sir." And Winky began to fluff her ears.  
  
"I – I don't know what to say. Wait. Yes, I do. Who do you think you are to interrupt my speech?! I thought I meant something to you. But you clearly don't know me at all." Harry cried.  
  
"But sir, Harry Potter, sir –"Winky cried.  
  
"No. It's over. If you're going to be going around interrupting Harry-Love of Your Life-Your True Friend-Quidditch Hero-Potter then you clearly don't deserve to be in MY good graces!" Harry yelled.  
  
"Very well then sir, Harry Potter sir. But Winky sir, must deliver sir, Professor Percy sir's tea. Sir, sir, sir, broken heart, sir." Winky began to walk toward Percy when Harry turned to glare at her, then he saw the bubbling acid-looking tea. He lunged forward and knocked Winky face first into the tea. Of course, her face melted off, just like Dobby's, leaving her skull.  
  
Draco (of all people) saunters in, pops off Winky's skull, puts it in his pocket, and says, "another souvenir." He calmly walks out as if it's common place for him to visit Percy in Hagrid's Hut.  
  
~Later That Night~  
  
Harry was strolling through the (dun, dun, dun) library looking for books on himself, of course, (don't know why. It's not like he can read.) when he stumbled across Mr. and Mrs. Weasley "snogging" behind a bookshelf.  
  
"Stop! You two should be ashamed of yourselves! This (dun, dun, dun) library is a public place! It's a good thing I, Harry-The Law-Love of Your Life-Your True Friend-Quidditch Hero-Potter, was here to stop you before you once again single-handedly set loose your poverty stricken spawn on the world like the plague. And what's more, that's where I "snog" my girls senseless! (What girls)" Harry was by this time in a fine rage.  
  
"But Harry dear, we came because you told us about Percy's engagement. God only knows how any girl could fall in love with Percy with you around. Isn't that right Harry dear?" Mrs. Weasley said while pulling a freshly knitted sweater out of her purse for Harry. (In fact, this was the exact same sweater that she had been giving him for the past 5 years, including this past Christmas, so you can imagine that it is far too small, what with his bulging Quidditch muscles and all.)  
  
"Well, that is true. But knock off the public display of affection. No one wants to see two Weasley's getting down and dirty." As Harry says this he "senses" Percy's presence in the (dun, dun, dun) library. Upon seeing Harry and his parents, Percy begins discreetly backing out of the (dun, dun, dun) library. Or perhaps not so discreetly as he tripped over a first year, knocking a book shelf over in the process.  
  
"Percy! You must not have seen me! Though I can't see how. It's hard for people to miss me in all my heroic glory!" (Don't ya'll remember? The guy's like a moving mountain. 7 feet tall and all those wonderful Quidditch muscles. Hey! Has anyone ever wondered if someone like Cho Chang would have buff muscles from Quidditch or if it's only guys? Food for thought.) At this point in time, two extremely large copies of Hogwarts: A History appear over Percy's head. Harry instantly appears at Percy's side, throws him over his shoulder, and takes off across the (dun, dun, dun) library in an attempt to put a lot of space between him and those books. Madame Pince grabs a broom and starts off chasing after Harry, occasionally swatting him. (You see how low we've sunk? We're ripping off all those Tom and Jerry cartoons!) Harry dives behind the Weasley's, who of course take the hit, and Madame Pince merely picks up the copies of Hogwarts: A History, and calmly puts them back on the shelf as though no one has just met an untimely death. As Mrs. Weasley takes her final breath, we hear, "As long as you're safe, Harry dear."  
  
~5 Minutes Later~  
  
Hearing his own mother praising Harry to the death had an odd effect on Percy. He was angry. Angry at the world. In his blind rage, he stormed all over the castle, until a room seemed to be calling to him. That room was a room full of mirrors. After a good 3 minutes of hard breathing, his vision finally cleared, allowing him to see what exactly was in that room full of mirrors. Ron. Dead Ron. Ron who introduced Harry Potter to his family. Percy yanked Ron's corpse up by the collar and gave him a few good shakes.  
  
"You fool! My life is all your fault. Mr. Quidditch Ron Weasley. You always thought you were so much better than me. With your "hero" friend, and mudblood girlfriend, and your ability to get on the Quidditch team despite your obvious lack of talent. You even took my pet rat! I blame you for all of this! But most of all, bringing Potter into our lives! If you weren't already dead, I'd kill you!"  
  
"Percy! Is this where you ran off to? I was so worried. No one was basking in my glory." Harry said.  
  
"Yes, Mrs. Norris my precious, those tricksy wizardses went in there. But we'll get them my precious." Filch said. (Sorry. Lapsed into Lord of the Rings there. But Filch could have been Gollum in a past life.) He slammed the door open and stumbled in with bloodshot eyes. (Filch's only comfort with Mrs. Norris gone is a bottle of Fire Whiskey.)  
  
"Oh, lookee here. Harry (hiccup) Potter. The little shit that killed my cat." Filch slurred.  
  
"I beg your pardon sir, but I, Harry-Would Never Hurt a Fly-The Law-Love of Your Life-Your True Friend-Quidditch Hero-Potter, am no little shit."  
  
Percy, who was trying to find the right moment to try and sneak off, looked into one of the mirrors, and saw the face of Ron. The same Ron whose robes he still had a death grip on. He released his hold on Ron, and at that exact moment, the curses really hit the fan. Harry grabbed Percy by the robes and ran to safety, sealing the door behind him, effectively locking Filch inside.  
  
"Potter (bang, bang) you stupid piss-ant! (bang, bang) Let me out!" Filch's shrill cries could be heard throughout the school. Not that anyone did anything about it.  
  
"Well, I must say Percy, that was very irresponsible of you. You should have known your ugly face would have cracked that mirror and release all those spells. I'm not sure if your aware of this or not, but wizarding mirrors and muggle mirrors are different. You see, I know this because I am a wizard. No. I am THE wizard. I have learned everything anyone could hope to learn about the Wizard World in just 5 years. Would you shut-up? I can't hear myself talk!" this last part being directed at Filch's incessant banging on the door. "Good grief. Some people are soooo rude!"  
  
Okay. So Percy has completely lost it, and runs screaming in the opposite direction of Harry, stepping on . . . . . . . . . . (just adding to the suspense) . . . Crookshanks. Right as Crookshanks was about to die from a broken back, HE turned into . . . . . . . . . . . . . (more suspense). . . Lily Potter??? (okay, even we don't get where people came up with that one.) Right. So Lily, who also has a broken back, dies. Again. For real this time. Percy, who is now suffering not only from insanity, but shock, somehow makes his way to the Great Hall without causing himself and others harm.  
  
Upon arriving in the Great Hall, the owl formerly known as Hedwig was floating towards Percy with a letter in tow. Percy screamed like a Weasley in a greased pig contest. He tried to run, but Hedwig was right on top of him, like a Weasley in heat. Harry, of course, followed Percy, like a Weasley following a Galleon tied on the end of a fishing pole (don't ya'll know the dollar joke?). Harry tackled Hedwig to the ground, signaling the fourth time today Harry had saved the life of Percy. The "letter" that Hedwig had been holding, popped out of her beak and landed at the feet of Lavender Brown.  
  
"Oh! A love letter. Crap, it's from Potter. Oh well, maybe he's got something good inside!" Lavender opened the "letter", and had her head burned off thanks to the Burn-You-Up-Charm! (Yes!!! We finally have come full circle!)  
  
Now. Skip ahead about an hour to the Farwell Feast.  
  
"And the winners of the House Cup are. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Slytherin? No, no. That can't be right. What's the Great Hall doing draped in green? Oh, that's right. I have a "few" last minute points to award to. . . . . . . Gryffindor." Said Dumbledore (We never said Dumbledore died you know. We only said he had a heart attack. You can bounce back just fine from that.)  
  
"So, Slytherin has 650. Gryffindor has –321 thanks to Snape. So 971 points to Gryffindor," the last part was said out loud, "for, well, for you Harry. I think you deserve some extra points for breaking all my rules and being a jerk."  
  
"So Slytherin and Gryffindor tie then?" Professor Flitwick asked.  
  
"Huh? Oh crap. Let me see, uh 10 points to uh – Mr. – Mr. Neville Longbottom. Yes, that fine lad Neville. He's had a good year. Always on top of things that Neville. Why, everyday when I see his happy face in the halls, I think to myself, ' That Neville. I must remember to give him 10 points at the farewell feast, if Slytherin and Gryffindor are tied. To you, Neville." Dumbledore said raising his goblet to the Gryffindor table, which was devoid of any students except Harry. In fact, the only two students still living were Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy, who was making death threats to Harry across the hall, while applauding Gryffindor's victory at the same time. Now to solve the Draco mystery you've all been wondering about. Thanks to all of you (points fingers at everyone), Draco is suspended between the reality world and fiction world of Harry Potter. You've broken him. He no longer knows how he's supposed to behave. Is he enemies with Potter or best friends? Does he hate Granger or love her? Does he snicker at the Weasley's poverty or envy their family unity? He doesn't know. (All he does know is that his father does not beat him!) So, next time you go around tampering with perfection like Draco, maybe you'll think twice. We'll be watching!  
  
Anyway, after Gryffindor "won" the house cup, Harry went and packed his trunk, for once in his life giving Percy a break. Skip ahead to the next day on the platform, nearly time to leave.  
  
Percy was shaking as he slowly made his way to the train. He quit his job. Now Snape was the new DADA professor! Or at least he thought he was until Dumbledore got involved and hired a fellow named Moldevort that Harry told him about.  
  
Percy was just about to get in when he saw. . . Harry Potter. Something inside Percy just snapped. He jumped all the way across the platform, grabbed Potter around the neck and chocked the living daylights out of him.  
  
"I did it! I did it! I did it! Who killed Harry Potter? I did! That's right world, Harry Potter is –"  
  
"Hey Percy!"  
  
Percy stopped mid victory dance and slowly turned to see – Harry Potter.  
  
"But you – how, but I?" he slowly turned to the dead body of Harry to see that the boy's robes had 'Larry' embroidered across his chest. Yes, that's right. Percy had killed Harry's evil twin Larry, who had just been hiding around Hogwarts ever since the Yule Ball.  
  
"Percy, I got another letter from Moldevort. Guess what? He's replacing you next year. And I think I'm wearing him down. He only threatened me within an inch of my life once this time. Well, things'll be quiet here without you next year Percy. Bye!" And Harry Potter rode off into the sunset. Of course, Percy was still on the platform, stranded at Hogwarts during the summer.  
  
"I'll get you next year, Potter!" Not really though because we have not enough people, rumors, or patience to write a sequel. So, all together now, THE END!!! (Bet you never thought you'd be so happy to see those words before in your life. Oh no. We can't seem to stop. Pencil had become attached to hand. Must stop! Must -)  
  
~AN/ Well, that was odd. Sorry for the incredibly long delay we put you all through. But thanks to everyone who had reviewed and hopefully will continue to review, because we will continue to check up and see how unappreciated we are. (A cookie to the person who reviews the most. Of course, you may not want them. Percy made them) It's as though a huge burden had been lifted off our shoulders. We actually finished something we started. Well anyway, it real, it was fun, but it wasn't real fun. Goodbye!!! (review, review, review!)  
  
P.S. By the way, we think Ron would make a better seeker, because he's probably used to looking for round shiny objects. Goodbye for real! Maybe, yeah – no, yeah, it's definitely over. (sobs!) 


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